To love, is to find perfection in imperfection itself

"What most people call loving consists of picking out a woman and marrying her. They pick her out, I swear, I’ve seen them. As if you could pick in love, as if it were not a lightning bolt that splits your bones and leaves you staked out in the middle of the courtyard. They probably say that they pick her out because-they-love-her, I think it’s just the siteoppo. Beatrice wasn’t picked out, Juliet wasn’t picked out. You don’t pick out the rain that soaks you to a skin when you come out of a concert."
-Julio Cortázar

The beautiful dream

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

—Bob Marley

What If

What if, universally, happiness was equated to a rainy day while sunny days meant sadness? Would we welcome the darkness of clouds and thundering lightening and the soothing raindrops that collide with glazed pavement? Would we frown in the presence of blue skies because warm temperatures meant things were too easy and “perfect weather” meant we wouldn’t feel any pain? Would we constantly seek the hard times and inconvenient times and uncomfortable times in order to learn and grow and evolve?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                 - adapted from Thought Catalog

Love So Amazing..So Amazing

I've been wanting to write again, for so long, just never got to it. I deactivated my blog two years ago, because it was filled with pain, too much pain. And each time I was inspired to write, was only because of pain, because, well, I have this thing called walls, and it is remotely impossible for me to speak to other humans about it, so I write. But today, I was inspired to start this again, this time pain had nothing to do with it. This time, it was IS love. Love so amazing, so divine, so overwhelming, I cannot comprehend.

My spiritual life has been quite shakey recently. I was getting tired...tired of asking God to fix things, tired of waiting faithfully for things to get better, only to see it get worse. Tired of feeling that temporary joy, when I finally see the rainbow, just to have it shattered all over again, and still remaining faithful because you know, they say God has His reasons, just remain faithful and you'd experience Him. I was physically, emotionally, mentally, deeply exhausted. Things were horrible. I never wanted to lose my faith, so I struggled, so hard to remain faithful, to keep doing what He intends for me to do. There were days when I'd literally just lie on bed and not move, not think. I'd enter this thing I called "Zen zone". I'd have no thoughts, all I'd see is a blank screen in my mind, because it was just too exhausting to feel anything.

Countless times I've told God, I will continue to do your will, but if you want me to do this, let me not feel, because it's too much, and I can't do this alone. And I prayed, and I continued to wait, faithfully, while slowly, little by little, letting go. I was walking away, but I wanted to stay. I had a foot out the door and the other foot still in. I was wrestling with myself. It was like a debate tournament in my head. One party telling me all the reasons why I should walk away. (etc: Is Christ real? This verse is not assuring enough, your answer is not assuring enough) and the other party reminding me of His faithfulness, of His love. I know I won't be the person I am today, if I didn't have God in my life.

...................................................................................................................................................

So my Cell Group leader got me to sign up for camp, and I was like "wheee camp! why not?". Then as the dates came closer, I didn't want to go. I was tired of hearing people preach about how wonderful He is, and how we should find joy in sufferings. But I went anyway. Now the camp theme was Bridge to Destiny. And all throughout camp everyone spoke about destiny, God's plan for us. I prayed, told God to speak to me, cause I wanted to know what God's purpose for me was. (I sort of knew, but was hoping for a different answer, because that meant perhaps the season would pass). I didn't hear God speak. Nothing. Every worship session I prayed, Lord speak to me. Nothing. Every prayer session I prayed, even when I was brushing my teeth I prayed. Nothing.

On the last session on the last day, I stopped asking. Towards the end of service, the Pastor called for a prayer session, where all the church leaders would approach each and everyone and pray for them. So I sat and waited, while singing Jesus Messiah. Then it was my turn. She came to me, held me, and begin to pray. She stood silent for a while, then she came closer and said to me. "The Lord is saying, that you are not alone in this. He sees you, and you are not alone in this" she said a lot of other things, but this, this one sentence "You are not alone in this". I wept, and I'm one person who absolutely despises public display of emotions. But this time I didn't even want to hold it back. I just wept. It was so beautiful. That was all I needed. That was assuring enough, and immediately, I felt peace, something I don't recall feeling. I've always thought I felt peace, but this,..THIS was different, This was real, this was peaceful. This was beautiful. I felt saved again. And I always say this, God, has a pretty good sense of timing.

..................................................................................................................................................

7 years ago, I was at a youth camp. I was in the midst of a storm, but told no one. I wore my smiles, danced around and laughed, On the last day, again, during the final session, the speaker's wife came to me, and asked if she could pray for me. I said yes, and she said to me

"The Lord has granted you emotional strength, and you will have to endure this difficult time, and there will me more to come. At the same time, you will be a pillar to those around you. You will show them love, and hope, and they will lay your burdens on you. You will be filled with love, and you will fill others with love. You will be drained, but you shall persevere, for this will shape you to become the person He intends for you to become"

That was 7 years ago, and today He reassured me, that He is with me, and has been with me all along. Both feet are back in now, and they're not going anywhere.

Love so amazing, so amazing